I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize