are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
