so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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