worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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