they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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