i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
