you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
