You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
