make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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