you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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