someone threw a dead crab at me
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
