The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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