good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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