I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
