I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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