Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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