Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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