It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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