Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
