I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
