i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Sorry my hands just texted you
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
