I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
