is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I would fuck him just for his dog
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
