I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
