i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
