I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Use "feeling words"
Yay
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize