There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
