just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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