i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
