so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
