i was born a porn star she said
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
