i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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