dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
