Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize