Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
