I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I didn't shave. On purpose
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
