I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i've created a new STD.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
