Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
