I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
