so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
