I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
