I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
