Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize