I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
