So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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