god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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