I've blown a few things in my day
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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