EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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