genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
