In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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