I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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