We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
