I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
No I am not eating basil off your cock
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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