nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
