That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
