I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
