i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
