New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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