dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We are all done wearing pants today
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
