i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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