she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The air was thick with penises
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
