Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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